Jeff Priskorn [dot] com

The FedEx Messiah

I got to work on time again today. It's become a pretty regular occurrence, now that my commute to work takes me directly past a FedEx office. I also go right by a UPS office, but that's another story for another time...

Life is good this way. So good, in fact, that I believe I've forgotten how to get to my office on my own. Oh, I can find my way halfway there easily enough, and halfway there is all I need, because that's where I pull in behind the trusty FedEx delivery person. It's actually almost too good to be true, because besides being led to work with 100% accuracy every day, I can significantly save on gas by drafting behind their large red, white and blue trucks. Funny thing is, if I ever do need to send a package overnight, I do it with UPS. But what FedEx don't know won't hurt them, right?

Enough rationalization, however. I have two great fears about my dependency; two ways in which my fabulous plan can lose its proverbial powerwheels and leave me stranded in the slimegutter. The first fear is thus: what if my trusty FedEx delivery person has no deliveries to my office building on a given morning? The results could be devastating. But while this is frightening enough on its own, my second fear is even more ghastly. This phobia involves pulling up to a stoplight, taking my eyes off the road for just a few moments, and then looking up to discover two (2)! FedEx trucks in front of me. The horror! Which truck was I following: was it the cleaner one whose right turn signal is currently flashing madly, or was it the dirty one with "Wash me" written on the back door in crude script and who appears to be desirous of continuing straight on the road? I can just see it now: "Boss, I'm going to be late today. I accidentally followed the 'wash me' guy instead of the sparkling clean truck. I'll be in about the time they make their 4:00 afternoon run!"

But until either of those terrible instances occur, I will continue to happily follow my reliable FedEx person into work every day. So far things have gone like Suisse clockwork. It just serves to prove a favorite axiom of mine: the U.S. Postal Service sucks, but these FedEx people are not to be trifled with (thank God for that!).

Oh no! I just had another horrible thought: What if they strike? UPS did, so why couldn't it happen to FedEx? I implore each of you: write your congressman today and demand an eternal collective bargaining agreement with the FedEx union. Please! My commute depends on it!

Copyright 1998, Jeff Priskorn. All rights reserved.